


Philophobia;

by Socileo



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Best Friends, Comfort, Fear of love, Feelings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Heartache, Hurt, Isecurities, Kurapika angst, M/M, One Sided Love, Overthinking, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26131570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Socileo/pseuds/Socileo
Summary: Philophobia; A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of love and intimacy, of a deep relationship.Kurapika didn't want to believe it. He wasn't a coward after all but, at the same time ... were his feelings for Leorio enough? Or, would they even be accepted?
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	Philophobia;

**Author's Note:**

> One of my favorite concepts is that Kurapika does secretly love Leorio and he's too afraid to ever make a move for fear Leorio would end up like his clan. Or, he's also scared of rejection and loosing. :,/

**~~~**

Surrendering wasn't an option. It never was for him, just the thought made him gag. Surrendering was a sign of weakness, and he wasn't. Picking his battles was crucial, any good fighter knew that of course. Still ... it didn't stop the confusing feeling's welling up inside his chest. He was aware there was a time and a place to fight because he stood with honor. His ex clan stood with honor. 

So, why was he so _afraid_? Was it the fear of love? Rejection? Not being enough? Or not being there? To let down his friends and the one he holds closest to his heart. No that's impossible! He has never let his friend's down and will never. That is a promise he intends to keep. So, even as he lays alone in bed under rich sheets why does it feel so cold?

He's never been one to dottle on the thought of isolation. After all, being without the presence of another human is normal, what with his clan being slaughtered. Maybe it was that, that dreadful heart aching moment where he could only sit back and watch as everything around him crumbled to ashes. What could he do but sit there and walk through the pain? Crying wasn't an option and it never will be.

He looked to his left, blonde strands moving to cup his face before a pale hand grasped at the pillow next to him. There was no one there, actually correction he wasn't there. The one he wanted the most, yearned for, and even dreamt about was nowhere in sight. Those long limbs didn't wrap around him evenly, that annoyed tone voice no longer yelled at him and there was no soft fabric of a suit in sight.

"Leorio..."

Came his tired and quiet voice. He did so experimentally as though he expected the man he wanted would appear and whisper everything would be just fine. Reassure him that even though his stupid fears that no matter what they would be together forever. Not even death could tear them apart. He gave his hopes up after long minutes passed of deadly silence.

The truth hit him in a rush, the bullet flying straight through his heart as his lungs collapsed against his own ribs. The man he wanted wasn't here and the man he prayed for would never be. This was all his fault. He kept everyone at a safe distance. Always unsure of how to socialize with them. That was until Gon. The kid showed him a better way and the three of them clung together like glue.

That was until Gon found another and their group grew larger. He was just so amazed by how Gon grew attached to people so quickly. He loved and held all of his friends so close to his heart and even after they went through hell and back for one another ... he still kept them all at a safe distance.

What even was love? A construct made by man to make one feel good about the infinite attraction they feel for another person, right? People were all so expendable. He would know, his clan was after all. But it seemed that after meeting Gon, he could no longer think that way. His eyes were open to a whole new world of unknown wonders.

It terrified him.

What if they ended up leaving too?

So he always kept a safe distance. Never too close but never far enough out of reach. It must've been tiring for his friends, always being pushed and pulled with the tide. He never blamed his loved one for moving on and being happy. He never really blamed anyone but himself for those frightful actions. After all, it did seem pretty childish.

Kurapika let out a bitter laugh, blinking the tears away.

He wasn't weak. 

He wouldn't play the victim.

He still had his honor.

Even so, he clenched his hand into the pillow and inhaled a large amount of oxygen. He centered himself and came back down again. Those thoughts ate at him every night like this for hours. Sleep was sometimes nearly impossible and he passed out at some point during the day, alone and exhausted, like normal. He wasn't disappointed though, this outcome was predictable. 

His eyes zeroed in on his bunched up hand before he let go of the pillow and sighed, turning on his back to stare at his ceiling. What a terrible night to be thinking about such trivial things. And when did he admit his feelings for his best friend? The fear in his chest rose again, it trampled every inch of self-security and made him squeeze his eyes shut tight.

_Make these feelings go away. I want them gone._

**XxX**

It was some time around noon when he met up with Gon. A few sleepless nights had his eyes dark and hair knotted. Really there was no possible excuse he could give his friend that made them both comfortable so he saw no reason to not just tell the little green-haired devil. The determination alone behind those huge eyes was enough for the blonde to just give in. He could never win against that.

"So, you're in love with Leorio?" Gon asked, scratching at the back of his head like he was thinking hard. Was it so difficult to believe though? The answer was yes and no. Really no good way to put it. Even so with his half-assed confession, Kurapika refused to believe it was love. There was just no possible way in the world... Leorio and he hadn't even talked in months!

Not since their argument. It really was just harsh emotional words over a phone. They were just wordlessly yelling to one another, no actual meaning. In truth, Kurapika can't even remember how they started, he just knew by the end of it, Leorio was no longer in arms reach. 

It just made him shake his head and try to smooth out his hair. "I wouldn't call it love. Leorio is just ... different." It must've been one of the most unconvincing thing's he's said yet because of the look he's getting, Kurapika must be bad at denying the blatant truth. He was just scared to admit it... the unnerving feeling of rejection and failure held his feet to the floor.

Arm's length was good enough.

That was all he ever asked for. Really, when first meeting Leorio he'd never expected to grow this attached to his friend. They'd only known each other for a handful of months during the hunter exam and when they met up in Yorknew city he couldn't stop his heart from vibrating. Even if he looked as straight forward as he did there was no quailing the ecstatic feeling of happiness when he got to see that smiling face.

Though it took a revenge plot and some intense fighting to get to all his friends he made it in one piece. And is he ever so happy that he did? Of course! What with that pretty smile, that soft tone, and glowing eyes. Kurapika's chest tightened when listening to the med student speak. Their conversations were never in-depth or really heart to heart but, they always made them on edge.

"Do you feel like that when you talk to me?" Gon asked pulling his arms behind his back and looking around the market. It made him think if maybe he just felt this way about all of his friends and not just Leorio. But when trying it all came up blank. In truth, he did care for Gon, Killua too but he just didn't have sleepless nights staring into his ceiling about them.

He paused, hesitating his response before sighing. "I do care for you. Truly, I just do not feel that way about you." He finally said, eyes following his friend's movements. They had grown so much since they met on the boat from Whale Island. They've matured and experienced so much, yet it felt as though he couldn't say what he was really feeling.

Kurapika was scared. He wouldn't admit his affections because of the fear that grasped his heart and held onto it so tightly. His skin was crawling at the thought of loving another human, of being so close he could reach them.

"Kurapika," Gon called, turning around to face his friend completely. A gentle smile tugged at his lips, eyes right, and glistening in the sun. "We're friends so that means I love you." It came out so naturally that it startled the blonde from his movements in turn to gape at the statement. Was Gon being serious when he said this?

"I see you as one of my closest friends! So of course I love you!" His smile only grew wider. Those amber eyes never faltered nor wavered to show any sort of lie. Gon was just being his honest self, not that Kurapika had any doubt in the first place. "And as your friend, it's my job to make sure you're happy." He looked down and his smile fell for a moment. "I know you're scared. That's okay too. We all get scared sometimes. You hide it for our sake, right? But you don't need too! No matter what I'll b here. Promise!" When Gon looked up the sincerity shot straight through the blonde's heart. It was truly eye-opening.

Kurapika's features softened and his mouth closed. It took him a while to give a verbal answer but that was fine too, he could relax for even just a moment because Gon was here to hold his hand through all the pain. There was no doubt in his mind that he could always rely on his friend.

"Thank you, Gon." He sighed, giving his friend a gentle smile that was returned triple fold. It always made him happy when they were able to talk like this. Because, in the end, he was always assured one thing; He was never alone. 

**XxX**

Kurapika stared at the phone in his hands, had he really received a text from Leorio? That was very unlikely, it really did catch him off guard. After their argument, he numbly dropped to his bed and stared at the wall until the early morning. So, out of the blue receiving a text seemed like a miracle, but it also made him realize that this would be his first time promptly responding to his crush.

That is without holding himself back for long painful minutes.

He's so glad he's a desperate man. 

His fingers tapped furiously over their text messages. He hadn't realized how fast he'd responded until Leorio said something about it. Kurapika couldn't help but smile fondly at his friend's observations. This was one of their softer moments, and the first time they were able to talk since their argument. He couldn't help the fluttering in his heart. He hated himself for it, this wasn't how he meant their relationship to turn.

He just wanted Leorio, his touch, his scent, his overall presence. That's really all he wanted. Was that selfish of him? Of course, it was but that wasn't going to stop the memories of his friend's face from flooding into his mind on repeat.

> _Leoreo_
> 
> _22:38| I want to call._

And before he could even blink, Leorio's caller id appeared on his screen. Kurapika didn't even really get past their mutual hello before he was already answering and placing his phone to his ear. His heart was pounding so loud it was defining and it jumped into his throat upon hearing the low mumble of a _"hello"_ from the other.

"Hey. Its-it's been a while." Kurapika closed his eyes, cursing at himself for stuttering out his words so pathetically. It made him internally cringe at how ruff he must've sounded.

There was a pause before the other began speaking, _"I talked to Gon the other day."_ So, that did prove Kurapika's theory as to why the sudden text. Gon had intervened and convinced Leorio to talk first. How typical. And how pathetic.

"Oh? May I ask what about?" Kurapika already knew the answer, long before either of them had to verbally say it. They talked about him, and the distant void between them. God bless and curse Gon, depending on how this conversation was going to go. It had every one of his nerves standing on edge. This was terrifying, absolutely terrifying.

Leorio took a moment like he was thinking before finally humming. _"You."_ He said quite sternly. _"But, you already assumed that, right?"_ He asked. From Leorio's tone, the blonde could tell his facial was dead.

"...Yeah. My apologies, Leorio." The name rolled off his tone so smoothly. He wanted to say it more often but, hesitation held him back. Kurapika couldn't bring himself to say what he truly felt, so instead, he swallowed his words and focused on mending their friendship.

Leorio sighed and did what Kurapika could only assume was shake his head. _"Eh, don't worry it's fine. I'm just glad we were able to talk."_ The earlier tension in his voice seemed to dissipate and the blonde almost became happy, note almost. _"I missed you, ya know."_

That alone caught Kurapika off guard. His eyes widened and his mouth gaped open for what felt like forever. He couldn't bring himself to say that he too, missed his friend. Much more than anyone would give him credit for. But, the fear in the back of his head told him differently. So, he just tried to collect himself and some stray thoughts. _"It's okay if you didn't.'_ Leorio's voice rang through.

_"I didn't expect a response anyways."_

That burned a hole straight through the blonde's heart. It felt as though the world was plummeting around him and time slowed again. That's what his friend truly thought? That he didn't care? "No Leorio!" Kurapika stood, his emotions crashing back into him with the force of a bullet. But again, he was at a loss of words. Nothing would escape his throat, not even a single breath.

Leorio however only solemnly sighed again. He sounded exhausted before picking up their conversation again. _"I'll see you when I get in town. Get some rest, you sound spermatic. Night, Pika."_ The line went dead before he could even blink. That couldn't be it though right? This was how they made up? It was obviously not okay! The conversation might as well have been one-sided.

Then again, what would Kurapika even say?

Nothing would've made the situation better if he was the one on the front lines. Actually, things might've ended up in another argument if the Kurta had been leading. Even yet, when he had the chance to just say it, it wasn't possible. His mouth ran dry and his brain lost any function. His heart stalled and his lungs caught every last breath he took.

The terror of losing just one every time.

So, he really couldn't do much than sit on his bed, phone tightly clutched into a fist, and hold his head. Kurapika wouldn't even cry, there was even little feeling of remorse in his heart. Because he still had Leorio at arm's length right? That's what he was trying to convince himself to believe.

Love was so unconventionally terrifying. The thought alone made him want to hurl.

So, maybe even as horrid as it sounded, he didn't love Leorio more than he feared they're closeness.

He wanted these feelings to go away. That at least, he wasn't afraid to try. For Leorio's sake. How selfish was that?

**Author's Note:**

> This is shorter than what I wanted but I'm definitely happy with the outcome :)


End file.
